The Booger Flicking Game
A Monumental Personal Failure
An introduction:
Most people can agree that picking your nose is gross. Most people are in fact hypocrites in saying this. Let’s face the music right now, people. Picking your nose is awesome. Call me gross. If a person ever said to me, “I don’t pick my nose” I would say to them, “You are a liar. You love it. You love digging out a big one. A nice, firm, mean, green nostril gremlin. It is satisfying to do, and you are simply in denial.” However, I do agree with these liars to some extent. In a public setting, picking your nose is strange and off-putting behavior. In a private setting, it is a beautiful thing. If you don’t pick your nose in the privacy of your own home, fuck you. You are not better than me.
The game’s origin:
During the peak of the coronavirus pandemic, I took it upon myself to find new methods of entertainment. Watching TV and talking to my family had gotten way too boring. I had seen enough of The Kardashians, The Simpsons, Love Island UK, and my own parents' failing marriage. I was looking for an alternative form of entertainment. To solve this problem, I created a game. A game which goes by the name, the Booger Flicking Game.
Rules and gameplay:
The game has simple rules and simple gameplay. There are a few things required to set up the game. The first thing you need is a blank piece of paper. The second thing you need is a method to hang this piece of paper on a surface. The third thing required to play is you, your boogers, and an optimistic attitude. The objective of the game is to flick a booger onto the paper from wherever you are in the room. The scoring works like this: each booger successfully flicked onto the paper grants the player one point. Boogers cannot be flicked from inside of five feet of the paper. The duration of play is entirely up to the player(s). You can play for a week, a month, a year, it doesn’t matter. The only losers in this game are those who don’t have fun (if you fail to get a booger on the paper and give up, then you are truly a giant fucking loser and you should feel pathetic for never landing even just one booger. Also, the game has an indefinite duration of play so fuck you for giving up. Shoot from 5 feet until you land at least one, then you can give up). There are no specifications on the location of the paper. It can be on a wall, a ceiling, a door, or a floor. As long as the paper is not hidden, it’s fair game. The wall is the most reasonable location. The ceiling is a fun idea, but in practice can present many problems. The paper may fall down. The boogers may fall off the paper. The boogers are likely to be harder to clean up upon the game’s conclusion. You should consider all these things before deciding on your paper location. The rest of the game relies on your nose and its ability to produce those slimy green boys. Once you’ve got a bogie on the hook, it’s as simple as pick and flick.
Public reception:
I pitched this game to my “friends” and “family” and it was not well received. I have decided to put the two terms in quotations because their responses made me doubt my relationships with each group. The Booger Flicking Game was a horrible flop upon its release. Critics from all over denounced the game as “Gross” and “Weird” and “Disgusting”. Feedback from family led to a breakdown of trust and support between me and my household. I grew angry. My attempt to bring joy to those trapped by the coronavirus was met with repugnance. My friends were able to see the humorous nature of the game but found it far too weird an idea for themselves to participate. One critic, after hearing the pitch and without hesitation, gave the feedback “you are so fucking weird man, that’s so gross.” In its early stages, the game faced overwhelmingly negative reactions (the game is still yet to receive any positive feedback as well).
Personal accomplishments:
As of now, I believe myself to be the only human to ever participate in this game. Given this belief, I can confidently conclude that I, Colin, am the best competitive booger flicker in the world. There is not another person on or in the history of this planet (that I am aware of) who has flicked a booger competitively at a piece of paper in the manner described above. I have created and played a game better than anyone else in the world. Nobody does it like me. I’m the fucking man, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. However marvelous this accomplishment is, it is spoiled by facing reality. I am the only one playing so of course I am the best. For the “glass half-empty” thinkers, this also makes me the worst. So, the purpose of this piece of writing is to share with the world my game. By spreading awareness of this game, it will allow it to grow and develop and hopefully create community.
Regarding the game’s future:
With the world back to normal and no longer in a pandemic, the likelihood of this game achieving large-scale success is incredibly slim. This game is much better suited to the lifestyles of those quarantined. With social interaction returning to how it was pre-pandemic, reasonable people clean their living spaces frequently due to the number of guests visiting their home. In a time when personal cleanliness was thrown out the window, flicking boogers around your room was perfectly fine. Nobody was gonna see it except you. You were isolated. If you were able to overcome the disgust of flicking boogers across your room, the game was perfect. As of writing this piece, the future of the Booger Flicking Game looks grim. In writing this piece, I have finally accepted defeat. The Booger Flicking Game will forever haunt me, for it is truly my life’s greatest failure.